Woo-hoo!  I made it!  I broke the 500-connection mark on Linkedin!  Wow!  That was hard.  Never thought I’d make it.  But now I’m here.  I did it.  I’d like to thank all the people who helped me reach this momentous goal.  This is so –

Wait.  Something’s wrong.  I have over 500 connections.  Linkedin doesn’t even tell anyone numbers after 500.  This is supposed to be the Promised Land.  Nirvana.  

Evidently I misunderstood something.  I’m sitting here, an apparent power user, a member of the 1% – without the money.  And . . . nothing.

What a gyp!  I’ve been connecting my ass off for months to reach the finish line.   Except for one night of drunken linking that I can’t in any way justify, my efforts have generally been targeted to people I actually had some reasonably direct association with.  I haven’t been trolling through the lists of people I may know and sending invitations with notes like “Hey, you know someone I met at a party in college whose name has stuck in my mind for some reason.  Let’s get connected!”  I’ve been thoughtful and deliberate.  Slow and steady wins the race.

I’ve had a Linkedin account for years, but until my current job search I haven’t paid much attention to it.  To be honest, I’ve seen it mostly as a forum for people who’ve made really good careers to show off to the rest of us.  “Look at me!  I’m Über-Senior-Directorial-Executive-President of All-that-is-Worthwhile-and-Valuable-in-the-World.”  But everywhere I go, in every article I read, I’m told that Linkedin IT.  Linkedin is THE way to get a job, build a career, find a partner, direct my life and find ultimate fulfillment.  If you don’t exist there, you have no hope; your future will be a wasteland of disappointment.

Build your profile.  Add a picture.  Make it complete.  Don’t make it just like your resume.  Include some of your personality – but not too much.  Be professional.  Be real.  Join groups.  Upgrade.  Don’t upgrade.  Contact people, but don’t just say “Hi.”  Add value.  Address issues.  Read a million articles and post some of them on your timeline.  Post something almost every day.  Remember it’s not Facebook.  Don’t be too casual.  Then again, don’t be too dry.  Make them want you.  Build your brand.

No pressure there.

Seriously, “Brand” has become one of my least favorite words in the world.  My brand, your brand, his brand, her brand.  Is that tweet on-brand for you?  I don’t know why it rubs me so wrong.  I have friends in marketing and PR and even brand consulting.  I know what it means and that it can be a valuable concept, yet it never fails to bring to mind flashy salesmen with gold pinky rings, arrogant business executives, overwrought advertising campaigns and Brittney Spears.  (She had a good brand, then she Federlined it.  He was definitely not on-brand for her.)

It’s possible that I simply don’t want to be a commodity.  I don’t want to have to be so continuously aware of the Linkedin me versus the Twitter me versus the Facebook me.  It’s not really so different from what we’ve all had to do in non-cyber life, but face-to-face interactions are both more natural and more forgiving.  People you see in person can see the twinkle in your eye or the wry smile on your lips.  They can sense who you really are.  Branding requires so much more calculation.  And frankly if I were a calculating person, I’d be in a much different place than I am today.  I might even be a master-brander.

As it is I sit here with my 500+ Linkedin status wondering what to do next.  There is no magic in the 500, so I guess I’ll put my best brand face on and do some in-person, real-time networking.  However virtual we get, it keeps coming down to that.

I would really have liked a little magic.  Even a cake would have been nice.

Yeah, probably not putting this in my Linkedin feed.  Not on-brand for me.