“If ________ happens, I’m moving out of the country.”

Is there a more meaningless statement in the entire English language?

I know we all have a tendency to hyperbolize when we’re really feeling something terrible is going down and we have no control over it.  There’s only one thing to do:  Say something so over-the-top that no one can miss the fact that we’re incredibly riled up. 

The thing about the moving out of the country threat is that it almost seems possible.  If I were to say, as I often have, “If I don’t get out of here, my head’s going to explode!” no one would expect that to actually happen.  When I was growing up in Seattle, the ultimate statement of frustration or anger was threatening to jump off the Aurora Bridge.  Anyone listening knew they were just making a point.  People did jump off the Aurora Bridge like they jump off the Golden Gate, but I don’t think it was ever because of an increase in the cigarette tax or because of a Supreme Court decision – not even Roe v. Wade.  But it’s conceivable that someone could be so het up about something or other that they would pull up stakes.  Sort of.

Now this guy, Joseph Farah, founder of WorldNetDaily (no, I’ve never gone to the site before, either) claims that millions – Got that? – MILLIONS of Americans will stage a modern-day Exodus to some Promised Land of intolerance and hatred if the Supreme Court comes down on the side of same-sex marriage.  At the same time, he’s encouraging states to secede to create that Promised Land somewhere in the Continental U.S.  (Somehow I don’t think Alaska and Hawaii are considered “real” parts of the U.S. any more than California is.)  And he’s serious.

The thing is no one is going anywhere.  No one ever goes anywhere.  They might not like one specific thing that’s happening right now, but no one is leaving.  I remember in 1980 the night Ronald Reagan was elected and my friend Laura slammed out of the room screaming, “I’m moving to Canada!”  She’s still here.  I remember 2008 when Ted Nugent said he’d leave if Obama was elected.  He’s still here.  (God help us all.)  I remember 2010 when Rush Limbaugh promised – promised! – to leave in five years if the Affordable Care Act was implemented.  He’s still here.  Sean Hannity didn’t even leave New York for Texas when he threatened to.  And Nugent, Limbaugh and Hannity are all rich.  There is nothing stopping them from moving anywhere they want.  Yet they don’t, because America is still a pretty cool place to live.

But let’s assume the Exodus could happen.  If the state governments all recall the Civil War and what that told us about secession, where would all of these outraged, intrepid “Christians” go?  Here’s a list of the 79 countries in the world that still outlaw homosexuality.  Think any of these people will be so teed off that they will pack up for the paradise that is Botswana?  Or Myanmar?  Or Afghanistan?  And sorry, but I don’t think St. Kitts and Jamaica are prepared to accept teaming millions of American refugees.  I’m not sure their cable and take-out services are up to snuff, anyway.  Besides, most of these places are full of people who are brown or black and/or Muslim, which certainly wouldn’t be acceptable.

So nobody is leaving the U.S.  If we’re lucky – and most indicators say we will be – the Supremes will give us a 6-3 or better judgment in favor of same-sex marriage, there will be a lot of hand-wringing on the right (as there always is), none of their dire predictions will come to pass and the country will go on as it always has –with the added distinction that one more group will have taken one more step toward real equality.

Sweet Jesus!  Start loading the truck, Martha, we’re movin’ to Zimbabwe!