I was walking into the MUNI stop at Castro Street the other day to find the poster for the new fantasy/adventure flick, Hansel and Gretel:  Witch Hunters.

Really?  Witch hunters?

My God, have we reached the point where everyone has to be a bad ass?  It’s not enough that we have wars and football and Lara Croft?  Now we’ve got Iron Chef and Cupcake Wars and witch-killing storybook characters.

When will it all end?  

I remember when I saw Star Wars the first time and how cool I thought it was that Princess Leia was a tough chick.  (Sure, she wound up on a fat, bald guy’s leash in a metal bikini by the second installment, but as long as fat, bald guys are running Hollywood, women will always wind up that way at some point.)  In spite of that, she was no damsel in distress.  She could shoot and fly and fight with the best of them.

Flash forward 35 years, through the Die Hard series, the Lethal Weapons, the Road Warriors, Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2, Transporters 1 through 3 and now everyone’s a tough guy.  Guys are tough guys.  Women are tough guys.  Gays are tough guys.  Everyone’s tough and everything’s a competition.  Everything!  Cooking’s a competition.  Interior decorating’s a competition.  Clothing design is a competition.  (OK, forget I mentioned that.  I am all about Project Runway.)  But when did we stop doing anything just for the fun of it?

I watched the mini-trailer for Hansel & Gretel.  It starts with Hansel’s voice-over:  “Me and my sister were almost killed by a witch.”  It’s very important for a tough guy NOT to say “My sister and I.”  Bad grammar is the hallmark of the grisly hero.  Ain’ts are also very big.

At some point later, after Gretel tells us they’re basically thrill killers (because what bad boy/bad girl isn’t?), we see them come upon a little candy-covered gingerbread house, whereupon Hansel declares:  “Don’t eat the fuckin’ candy!”  Because, of course, if a tough guy (or woman) doesn’t throw as many f-bombs as punches, he’s really just a weenie.

I’m sorry, I’m tired.  I like a smart-assed hero or anti-hero as much as the next guy.  I don’t think everyone in the media should be tender and nurturing and soft.  I like a good fight, too.  But enough already!  I’m reaching my limit.

A couple of years ago I joined the rest of the world to see Avatar.  There must have been something wrong with my 3-D glasses, because I did not see the movie everyone else did.  Amongst all the stock characters (and, they were all stock characters), the story featured yet another trash-talking tough guy with a heart of gold.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  It’s just been done and done and done and done.

And only a few weeks ago I saw everyone’s new favorite – Zero Dark Thirty.  More of the same.  Jessica Chastain called herself a “motherfucker,” so we all knew she wasn’t taking any prisoners.  And everyone else we were supposed to like in the film was cut from the same stone.  In that situation, they probably should have been.  In this case, they probably were.  And if we weren’t so overrun with these types, I might have appreciated these better – particularly since the story is real.

I don’t know.  Being strong is generally better than being weak.  It’s the American way, isn’t it?  Our inner cowboy coming out.  I don’t like to dump on anyone else’s parade,  I’d just like to see a little variety, get a little respite, see someone who doesn’t have a new snappy line for every trigger he pulls or bomb he throws.  That’s it!  How about once in a while seeing someone who isn’t so inured to carnage and so well-trained in munitions that he actually struggles?

Just a thought.  In the meantime, everyone can return to Buffy Meets Mother Goose – and Kills Her.